What are you like at red traffic lights? Me... I pride myself in my ability to be quick off the mark when the lights go from red to green. As soon as I hit a red light I am in 'ready to go' mode. The clutch [yes I drive a manual - enjoy it] is poised and my right foot angled close to the accelerator, my eyes keenly watching the moving traffic for changes in pace. I monitor the lights that are green for the other traffic waiting for them to turn orange upon which I heighten my alertness look to my traffic lights, see the green and I'm off! Proudly enjoying beating the car next to me without speeding :)
My attitude towards red traffic lights is usually the same as my attitude to the 'red lights' and 'stop' signs of life - when I reach them I get ready for when they turn to 'go' and eagerly anticipate it. However, as I reflected recently I realised that my attitude had become like that of waiting on the pacific hwy in traffic jams... you know you'll be waiting a while and there's no point in staying alert and ready, just switch off the engine, grab a book, tweet your situation, get out and throw a frisby around, eat some food, observe everyone else's behaviour [and try to guess what their saying or thinking just for fun]... whatever will just distract you from the waiting. And even then, when people start turning on their cars and gradually edging forward very slowly, I'd wait in my car until cars are really moving [rather than stop starting], before turning the key.
Over the past year or so I have had soooo many red lights that never turned green, though they showed promise... In all areas if my life. If i believe something is important and possible, I pour myself into pursuing it with excitement, passion and lots of serious thought and action. After 'revving' the engine constantly only to find the lights weren't changing I gave up. I started treating life like I was stuck on the pacific hwy in a halted traffic jam. There's no point even thinking about turning the car key until you see cars a few ahead of you start to drive off in a smooth constant pace. So in the mean time you do whatever will take your mind off waiting. Focus disappears. you don't even think about seeing if there is anything you can do to help the traffic move along, cause you know you have no control over it. I stopped trying to make positive changes in what I was doing in ministry and settled for just doing what I could each day to help people without trying to change a system or get people to try new things. I wasn't confident there was any value in trying due to all the red lights. I found I was happier because the lower bar I had set myself meant I was reaching my short term goals well, particularly in ministry. And life was easier because it usually is when you work with the systems you're in and fall in line.
But it wasn't as satisfying. my passion for life, for helping Young people find and live life to the full -whatever it takes- is so deep-seeded that it wasn't going to let me silence it. So I tried one more time to change one of the systems around me so that I would be free to focus on all the things that I envisioned.
I came to realise though that what was happening was that I needed to make a change rather than make everyone change for me. I now see it as like being in a long line of traffic where I want to go into the right-hand turning lane to take another route to our destination. Yet the line of traffic stretches past the turning lane so I can see it, I can see the green light for that lane with noone else in it, but I can't move into the lane just yet. Ever had that happen on the road? Frustrating isn't it. So more waiting ensued, trying to remain faithful to the people and task I have at the moment.
I actually love this place, the people and the Incredible opportunities I've had to 'walk alongside' people. I just have a different picture of how I can keep doing that into the future.
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